Golden Sun does Final Fantasy IX
by Coolduo123
Summary: A parody of Final Fantasy IX using Golden Sun characters... Chap 6is up. See why Titanium Cups are a handy device.
1. The Gathering

Disclaimer: I don't own Golden Sun, Final Fantasy IX or any other stuff...  
  
Golden Sun Does Final Fantasy IX  
  
Chapter 1: The Gathering  
  
The elemental Star Chamber  
  
(Enter Isaac, Garet, Ivan, Mia, Felix, Jenna, Sheba, Picard, Karden, Master Hama, Feizi, Hsu, Master Fei, The Wise One, Saturos, Menardi, Agatio, Karst, Alex, King Hydros, Lord Conservato, Master Hammet, Lady Layanna, Mayor of Alhafra, Mayor of Madra, Akafubu, Briggs, the Great Healer and everybody else that has importance... )  
  
Saturos: Heeeeey... I thought we were dead...  
  
Menardi: Who's complaning? WE NEED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!  
  
Sorry...  
  
Menardi: who said that???  
  
Me...  
  
Menardi: Who's me???  
  
knock knock  
  
Everybody: Who's there?  
  
Your doing a Final Fantasy IX fic  
  
Everybody: NOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
YESSSSSSSSS  
  
ok now for the cast!  
  
Zidane - Isaac  
  
Garnet- Mia  
  
Vivi- Ivan  
  
Steiner- Garet  
  
Beatrix- Jenna  
  
Amarant- Agatio  
  
Eiko- Sheba  
  
Freya- Master Hama  
  
Quina- Menardi Queen Bhrane- Mayor of Alhafra  
  
Zorn- themselves  
  
Thorn- Themselves  
  
Kuja- Alex  
  
Garland- Saturos  
  
Cid- Master Hammet  
  
Hilda- Lady Layanna  
  
Baku- Master Fei  
  
Blank- Hsu  
  
Marcus- Briggs  
  
Cinna- Akafubu  
  
Ruby- Feizi  
  
King of Burmecia: Conservato  
  
High Preist of Cleyra: King Hydros  
  
OTHER CHARACTERS TBA  
  
OK!!! now costumes... *Snaps*  
  
Mia: hey... where did Alex go?  
  
Alex (from Behind a Bolder): uhhhh I'm over here...  
  
Mia: huh? looks... AH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH  
  
Karst: hey Mia, what is so funny???  
  
Mia: *Drags Alex in Kuja Garb* look!  
  
Every body laughs hysterically  
  
Alex: ... Coolduo123... a little help???  
  
ok ok ok... *snap*  
  
Next chapter.... the beginning of a great catastrophy... muhahahahaha... ___________________________________________________________________________________ 


	2. Budget Problems

Chapter 2: Problems with the Budget  
  
DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN FINAL FANTASY IX, GOLDEN SUN, OR HARRY POTTER!!! THEY ARE THE PRODUCT OF SQUARSOFT, CAMELOT, AND JK ROWLING RESPECTIVELY!  
  
on with the parody  
  
(a battered ship is crashing through waves during a tempest (courtesy of Ivan). in it there are two blue haired people... a young Mia and presumably her mom)  
  
Mia: GASP!  
  
(Mia awakens from her daydream and looks up, wipes the tears off her face and looks out the window.)  
  
Mia: talk about low budget...  
  
( she looks around "Alexandrea" Its just a poorly slop-together of a bunch of boxes that look like they were colored by 2 year olds... )  
  
Hsu, Feizi, Brigs, and Akafubu: HEY!!! WE WORKED HARD!!!  
  
whatever...  
  
(Enter General Jenna)  
  
Jenna: Milady. (salutes) Tis time to go to the play.  
  
Mia: Screw the play! Did u see what a crappy job our "city design experts" did???  
  
Jenna: No, why do u ask?  
  
Mia: look... (shoves Jenna to the window)  
  
Jenna: I cant wait until Bahamut destroys this place... I wonder what Lindblum looks like...   
  
Mia: ... does my dear old dad want to see me?  
  
Jenna: Don't talk about King Brane like that... *Whispers* yes.  
  
Mia: how are you and Garet?  
  
Jenna: shut up...   
  
Mia: wrong time of month I presume?  
  
Jenna: for him, yes.  
  
Mia: Joy  
  
__________________________________________________  
  
(a big instrumental piece plays and we see the Tolbi-bound Ship flying (with help from a bunch of strings) towards Alexandrea Castle (a box with the Gaia Blade poking out)  
  
(we see our up until now favorite protagonist slide down a pole and walk into a dark chamber)  
  
Isaac: er... hello?  
  
(Banging sound is heard) Feizi: OHHHHHHHH HSU!!!  
  
Isaac: ... hello?  
  
Feizi: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH HSU!!!  
  
Isaac: (lights the candle) WHOA!!!  
  
(Feizi is on a couch making out passionately with Akafubu)  
  
Feizi: AHHHHHHH!!! ISAAC HELP ME, THIS 70'S AFROPUF REJECT OFF ME!!! OHHHHHH THIS IS MAKING ME VERY VERY SICK!!!  
  
(Feizi slaps Akafubu, then she kicks him where the golden sun doesn't shine)  
  
Akafubu: ouch...  
  
Isaac: where's Hsu  
  
Akafubu: *in fetal position* in... the... closet..........  
  
(Before Isaac can open the closet, Feizi leapfrogs him and Karate chop opens the door)  
  
Feizi: what has happened Hsu?  
  
Hsu: the fat haired man (points to Akafubu) clobbered me then he tied me up very tight and threw me in the closet. I am ashamed that my Kung Fu could not have helped me. Feizi, I am very sorry.  
  
(Enter Briggs, he is looking around dazed, we could only guess that by the fragrance of the smoke around him what he was doing)  
  
Briggs: Peace!   
  
Feizi: BRIGGS, I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE CLEAN AND SOBER!!! I THOUGHT YOU KNOWN THAT IF MY FATHER EVER FOUND OUT YOU WOULD BE THROWN OUT OF THE SHIP FASTER THAN A CHOCOBO WAITING FOR VERY GREAT SEX!!!  
  
Briggs: (not listening) Peace to your mother...  
  
(surprisingly a man jumps out of nowhere with an oversized dragon's head mask. Enter Battle theme)  
  
ENTER BATTLE  
  
Feizi and Hsu is just standing there (they know Kung Fu!) Briggs is holding his joint Akafubu is holding a copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and wand  
  
Isaac is holding his trusty Gaia Blade  
  
DRAGON MAN APPEARS!!!  
  
ISAAC'S PARTY TO ATTACK FIRST! HSU USES PITIFUL KARATE!!!  
  
::Hsu runs and tries to do Kung Fu but misses::  
  
DRAGON MAN NIMBLY DODGES THE BLOW!  
  
BRIGGS CASTS JOINT CUSTODY!  
  
::Briggs' joint makes contact with dragon man's eyes::  
  
DRAGON MAN TAKES 50 DAMAGE DRAGON MAN IS TRAPPED IN A DELUSION!!!  
  
AKAFUBU CASTS THE CRUCARIUS CURSE CRUCIO!!!  
  
::an effect like a red orange version of the doom dragon's Earth Force goes from Akafubu to dragon man:: DRAGON MAN TAKES 100 DAMAGE!!! DRAGON MAN IS STUNNED!!!  
  
DRAGON MAN IS PARALYZED AND CANNOT MOVE!  
  
ISAAC'S GAIA BLADE LETS OUT A HOWL! TITAN BLADE! DRAGON MAN TAKES 70 DAMAGE!!  
  
FEIZI'S MEGATON BOOTS LETS OUT A HOWL! SWIFTKICKINTHECROCH!!!   
  
::she does as the name implies (a dazzling kick in the crotch)::  
  
DRAGON MAN TAKES 99999999 DAMAGE  
  
YOU FELLED DRAGON MAN!!!  
  
YOU RECEIVED 200 EXPERIENCE POINTS!!! HSU REACHES LEVEL 2!!!  
  
HSU MASTERS THE WIMPS WIMPY CRY! YOU RECEIVER 100 COINS!!!  
  
AKAFUBU REACHED LEVEL 14 AKAFUBU MASTERED THE WIZARD'S STUNNING SPELL!!  
  
ISAAC REACHED LEVEL 5 MASTERED THE SQUIRE'S EARTHQUAKE!!!  
  
FEIZI REACHES LEVEL 15 MASTERED THE ASS KICKER'S SWIRLY!!!  
  
YOU RECEIVED 1000 GIL!  
  
!~EXIT BATTLE THEME~!  
  
(the mask falls off to reveal Master Fei) Fei: ouch... your training is coming on very well grasshoppers...  
  
Everybody: (like good schoolchildren) thank you Master Fei  
  
Fei: ok ok ok... now let us start the meeting... er (in Baku voice) ARH HAR HAR HAR!  
  
(they all go to the meeting room)  
  
Fei: ok... here's the plan.. tonight we (the Tantalus Kung Fu Dojo) will put on the play, I want to be your Crow... its about an ugly-ass man who falls in love with a beautiful mercury adept... and somehow, she likes him back, but her father doesn't approve and we all get into a tizzy... ok? But during the performance Isaac and Hsu will kidnap the Princess... then we all live happily ever after... capice?  
  
Everybody: capice...   
  
In the Next Chapter The fun really begins  
  
Flint: Coolduo is a newcomer to this fanfiction thingy so as pathetic as it seems... don't flame me...  
  
Breeze: what's a flame?  
  
Corona: ill show you!!!  
  
**BATTLE THEME**  
  
MARS DJINNI APPEARS!!! MARS DJINNI IS TO ATTACK FIRST!  
  
MARS DJINNI CASTS FLAME WALL  
  
JUPITER DJINNI TAKES 100 DAMAGE  
  
MARS DJINNI RUNS AWAY!!!  
  
**EXIT BATTLE THEME**  
  
Breeze: wow...   
  
ok... this may be stale but don't flame (whatever that is...) 


	3. Karst the master of torture

Chapter 3- Karst's Treasure chest of Torture!  
  
A/N- when Ivan uses "Mind Read" it is indicated by a "~" at the opening and close of the session...thank you!  
  
Scene: Alexandrea  
  
ENTER FMV (a bunch of Nobly Noble Nobles are walking down the street. We then see a small boy by the age of 14, wearing enormous clown shoes, sporting a big steeped hat and a robe that covers his body. His name is Ivan- a black mage. He looks down but after a shadow covers himself and the Nobly Noble Nobles. The shadow comes from the Tolbi-bound Ship in the air...The big musical score starts the ship flies magnificently to Alexandrea Castle and the words "GOLDEN FANTASY IX" appears) END FMV  
  
(Ivan is walking down the street taking in the sights and commenting on how horrible the city looks despite what it said on the Travel Brochure. But due to his clown shoes, he falls. The Silly Little girl approaches )  
  
Silly Little Girl (SLG): excuth me mithter but you dropped your thicketh.  
  
Ivan: er...th-thank you  
  
(he gets up and walks over to the ticket stand where the infamous Karst is awaiting him with ::Evil music:: the look of...Black Death...)  
  
Karst: (looking at a Teen Magazine): what do you want, peon?  
  
Ivan: heeeeeeey! that isn't very nice!!  
  
Karst: (notices Ivan) well look who it is... (looks at a card that says "how to be nice to people without loosing your evil dignity") How... may...I-I-I H-h-h-help y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you? (tries to make a nice face, that looks terrible)  
  
Ivan: that sounds like your hiding something... because you sound nicer than usual... MIND READ!!!  
  
Karst: (mind read)... ~I hate trying to be nice... they told me that I should Blend in... I cant believe that I, the great Karst, president of the Torture now and still look pretty club and honorary member of the Proxian League of the Obsessive Mars Adepts is to sit here and look like a loser reading a stupid magazine. (looks at her magazine) ooooooooooh horoscopes. hey! mine says " you are a pathetic looser. Be nice to midgets today or else you will experience shocking consequences..." hmmmmmm "Your partner will start to look hotter than ever before because Venus in in retrograde...what's retrograde? hmmmmmm... (notices Ivan, then glares) Soooooo you little loser, desired to look into my mind? cute, but I don't date midgets! STOP READING MY MIND!!! stop! I'm warning you! 1.. 2... 3! I warned you, (in a singing voice) I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! WERE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND KISS FROM ME TO YOU...~  
  
Ivan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Falls over) Karst... your the master of torture!  
  
Karst: Thank you... I practice... now, I know that you didn't come here to look at my pretty face... now show me your ticket... (she looks at the ticket) I want to be your canary? I'm sorry... but this ticket is fake... tonight's showing is "I want to be your Crow"   
  
Ivan: (pouts) damn...  
  
Karst: awwwwww cheer up... I'll give you something out of my torture chest... (takes out her infamous "Torture Chest" lets see... hmmmmmm Barney Sing along, Chains, spikes, rack, cage, family reunion slideshow, laser rifle, wand, scythe, axe, "fluffy kitties" perfume, animal dander, "essence of Agatio" hey! I found something! Take this! (gives Ivan a small box ) open it when you only want to cause extreme torture!  
  
Ivan: hmmmmmm... Karst... your the best!  
  
(Ivan leaves the stand and walks into a dark alleyway inhabited by two people, an old woman wearing WAY too little skirt and a the Sign maker, who is up on the ladder fixing the sign)  
  
Old lady Prostitute: heeeeeeey there handsome... 200 gill!  
  
Ivan: (startled) how old are you?   
  
OLP: 80 years young  
  
Ivan: ewwwww...  
  
Sign maker: 80 YEARS?!? 200 GILL!?! YOU HAVE A DEAL!!!  
  
(Sign maker jumps off the latter and runs away with OLP)  
  
Ivan: IM SCARED FOR LIFE!!!  
  
(Piers walks up to Ivan)  
  
Piers: Yo dawg! whatz happenin?  
  
Ivan: ... uhhhhhh... what...(looks at Piers Tail) are you?  
  
Piers: IM DA GANSTA LEMURIAN!!!  
  
Ivan: Can you speak in a language I can understand... please?  
  
Piers: I thought you would never ask. Ivan of Contigo, Jupiter Adept... would you like to assist me in my honorary quest of illegally obstruct the Alexandrean laws for a few hours of enjoyment?  
  
Ivan: once again... in a language I can understand...  
  
Piers: oh hell... DO YOU WANNA HELP ME SNEAK INTO THE CASTLE TO SEE THE PLAY?!?  
  
Ivan: sure...   
  
Piers: (in a condemning voice) then you must be my slave...  
  
Ivan: WHAT?!? (conjures a version of the original script) heh heh heh...whatever you say...  
  
(Piers takes the ladder and runs to the church steeple)  
  
Piers: ok slave... climb up the ladder...  
  
(Ivan does what he is told. But to his surprise, a Venus Djinni jumps starts shouting)  
  
Venus Djinni: (from atop of the steeple) GOOD BY CRUEL WORLD!!! (jumps into the tube and knocks Ivan off the ladder) DAMN!!! CANT YOU SEE A SUICIDAL DJINNI WHEN YOU SEE ONE? KUPO! Ivan: kupo?  
  
Venus Djinni: yes, 'kupo' its something that all my Djinn friends contracted when we agreed to take the roles of the moogles...kupo  
  
Piers: sorry, this is Flint, the schizophrenic Venus Djinni  
  
Flint: greetings, kupo. I shall enter you in my book...la la la la la la la... hey Eddy!  
  
(Eddy, the Mercury Djinni enters)   
  
Flint: you look ridiculous   
  
Eddy: you think I could help it? I'm on a mission to travel the world!  
  
Flint: oooooooook... I'll probably never see you again, right?  
  
Eddy: uh-huh...  
  
Flint: later...  
  
Eddy: much...er...kupo!  
  
Piers: riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... ok... now climb up...  
  
(Ivan does what he is told and climbs up the ladder. Then Piers follows)  
  
Ivan: Oi... I'm afraid of heights...  
  
Piers: Awwwwww c'mon ya yellowbelly!   
  
Ivan: I thought Hsu was-  
  
Piers: OK!!! just follow me! Just...(looks down) DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!  
  
Ivan: don't look down... don't look down...   
  
(looks down only to see something that if I described it I would have to up the rating )  
  
OLP: OHHHHHHHHH SIGN MAKER!!! YOU MONSTER  
  
Sign maker: ohhhhhhhhh yeah...  
  
Ivan: AUGH!!! MY VIRGIN EYES!!! (falls off)  
  
Piers: I knew this would happen, (uses some water psynergy to rescue Ivan)  
  
Ivan: thank you Piers: your welcome. OLP commonly uses that ally way for her job, I know this so I know when to look down or not...  
  
Ivan: how do YOU know  
  
OLP: (looks up to see Piers) Oh HEY SWEETIE!!! GRANDMA IS BUSY RIGHT NOW! COME BACK LATER!!! OH IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE FINALLY MAID A NEW FRIEND!!! HI PIERS' FRIEND!!! IM ON THE JOB BUT IF YOU ARE HUNGRY LATER COME TO MY HOUSE (points to garbage can) I COULD BAKE COOKIES!!!  
  
Ivan: she's...  
  
Piers: ask no questions and I'll tell you no lies... erm... LOOK THE SHOW IS STARTING!!!  
  
____________________________________________________________________________  
  
wow... things about Piers we all wanted to know...  
  
Breeze: tune in for the next chapter!   
  
Corona: yeah, the fun begins! 


	4. The Play Begins

Chapter 4- The play Begins  
  
A/N- The play is very different from I want to be your Canary but similar~  
  
Alexandrea Castle- Kings Chamber  
  
(The mayor of Alhafra is sitting in his throne. He gained 200 pounds since he shut himself up in his manor after the Briggs incident. He is dressed in thick red robes and is sweating profusely. he is also sporting a large hat that has two brooms sticking out. He uses a fan to aid in his sweating. to his left there is Garet, honorary Captain on the Knights of Uranus. he has red hair that shoots upward. He has a broadsword in his hands and wares thick armor. He isn't the "sharpest tool in the shelf" To the King's right there is an epically haughty Jenna, who has her sword in it's scabbard. She also has a headband that covers one of her beautiful brown eyes. She also sports armor that exposes a bit a good portion of her cleavage because she 'forgot' to zip it up all the way. Just for the occasion, and perhaps to get Garet to drool over her, she zipped it down a bit more than usual. The King also has two female soldiers to his side. Enter Princes Mia, The beautiful Turquoise haired girl with two beautiful sapphires for eyes, today is her 16th Birthday hence the celebration. Despite this, she looks depressed.)  
  
FMV (Ivan and Piers run up to their seats. The orchestra finishes warming up and everybody starts to clap. The camera Pans to a Depressed Mia looking down on herself with Garet in the Background. Garet looks at her. As if to cheer her up, he brandishes his sword and points it to the stage. All these magnificent fireworks come out of the stage and the audience cheers. Garet looks at Mia again with a satisfied look in his face but gasps to see that Mia's mood hasn't changed. The king, on the other hand, looks in amazement and starts dancing, embarrassing everybody in his private box.) END FMV  
  
-Stage-  
  
(Master Feh walks onto stage and bows )   
  
Feh: welcome my children, today's performance is "I want to be your Crow" by I.P Freely. Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, King Bhrane, Princess Mia, and to our rooftop viewers (Ivan and Piers snicker) I present to you, "I want to Be your Crow!!!" (applause)  
  
(big orchestral piece starts, Isaac, Briggs, Hsu, and Akafubu enter the stage, each holding a sword)  
  
Briggs: Bring me my love to me, of feel my blade!  
  
Isaac: Stay Kinsman, we shalt slaughter the monster who deprived you of your maiden, slain my brother, and has stolen Akafubu's hair curlers!  
  
Akafubu: for three crimes committed in the most heinous way, thou shalt perish (charges at Feh)  
  
Feh: Gar har har... not on my wristwatch! (two toadies appear beside Feh swords in hand.)  
  
ENTER BATTLE!!!  
  
::the typical rotation occurs::  
  
MASTER FEH APPEARS!  
  
TOADIE 1 APPEARS!  
  
TOADY 2 APPEARS!  
  
ISAAC'S PARTY TO ATTACK FIRST!  
  
HSU BELLOWS A LOUD NOTE-  
  
WIMPY CRY!  
  
::Hsu bellows. (its like when those Harpy/Virago/Harridan screech) and hits Toadie 1::  
  
TOADY 1 TAKES 30 DAMAGE!  
  
TOADY 1 CANT MOVE!  
  
AKAFUBU CASTS THE STUNNING SPELL!  
  
STUPIFY!  
  
:: a dazzling red beam hits Toadie 2::  
  
TOADIE 2 TAKES 50 DAMAGE!  
  
TOADIE 2 IS PARALYZED AND CANNOT MOVE!  
  
BRIGGS IS DEFENDING!  
  
ISAAC'S GAIA BLADE LETS OUT A HOWL!  
  
TITAN BLADE!  
  
:: a magnificent Sword falls from the sky and sinks into the floor on Feh, creating a massive show of multicolor balls exploding from the point of contact::  
  
MASTER FEH TAKES 225 DAMAGE!  
  
TOADY 1 CAN'T MOVE!  
  
TOADY 2 IS PARALYZED AND CANNOT MOVE!  
  
MASTER FEH CASTS STROBE LIGHT!  
  
:: 3 spot lights go from Feh to Hsu, knocking him out::  
  
HSU TAKES 300 DAMAGE!  
  
HSU GOES DOWN!  
  
~EXIT BATTLE THEME~  
  
::Feizi appears::  
  
Isaac: Feizi!  
  
Feh: Feizi!   
  
Feizi: you are a despicable man, father. he is my lover and there is nothing you can do about it.  
  
Feh: treasonous daughter! I will make you see the light!  
  
~ENTER BATTLE~  
  
FEIZI APPEARS!   
  
FEIZI CASTS MAGNIFICENT PHOENIX!  
  
:: Feizi explodes (with help from the backstage crew and some awesome display of fireworks, into a phoenix, charges at Feh, then explodes around Hsu, reviving him. Feizi explodes out of the phoenix and falls::  
  
HSU IS REVIVED!  
  
FEIZI GOES DOWN!  
  
MASTER FEH ATTACKS!!!  
  
TOADIE 1 CASTS SMOKE BOMB-AGA!  
  
::a large explosion of smoke covers our heroes, toady 2 takes Feizi::  
  
TOADIE 2 RUNS!  
  
TOADIE 1 RUNS!  
  
MASTER FEH RUNS!  
  
~EXIT BATTLE THEME~  
  
Briggs: GET BACK HERE!!!   
  
Akafubu: HO!!!   
  
Everybody: huh?  
  
Akafubu: er... LETS GO!  
  
(Briggs and Akafubu run off stage, Isaac tries to follow but is hindered by Hsu)   
  
Isaac: what says you, kinsman?  
  
Hsu: let them go. If Feizi is to marry prince...(forgets lines) er...um... Chef...  
  
Isaac: Chef?  
  
Hsu: Chef of Boyardee!  
  
Isaac: Chef Boyardee? canned spaghetti? kinsman, surely you are not serious? ::whispers:: SHINDLER!!!  
  
Hsu: oh yes... thank you! If Feizi is to marry Shindler, peace would reign! Isaac: NAY! kinsman, hast thou lost thy mind?  
  
Hsu: Then DIE! (does a war cry and chases Isaac off stage)  
  
::The audience cheers::  
  
Isaac: come at thee!  
  
Hsu: under my blade you'll be!  
  
~ENTER BATTLE~  
  
( instead of the standard battle music, it is replaced with that Spanish song)  
  
HSU APPEARS!  
  
HSU TO ATTACK FIRST!  
  
HSU ATTACKS!  
  
ISAAC TAKES 3 DAMAGE  
  
ISAAC CASTS PLUME EDGE!  
  
HSU TAKES 200 DAMAGE!  
  
HSU SHOWS OFF SOME PITIFUL KARATE!  
  
ISAAC NIMBLY DOGES THE BLOW!  
  
ISAAC UNLEASHES ECHO!  
  
DOUBLE STRIKE!  
  
HSU TAKES 400 DAMAGE!  
  
YOU FELLED HSU!  
  
~EXIT BATTLE THEME~  
  
(the crowd throws more than coins at the performers)  
  
Isaac and Hsu: RUN AWAY!!!  
  
(run into Castle)  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
wow...that was a terrible performance...  
  
Corona: you need more of Eddy in there... he's my hero...  
  
Breeze: yeah...  
  
oooooook... well tune in for chapter 5, Decisive Action! 


	5. Decisive Action

Chapter 5: Decisive Action  
  
A/N sorry for the lack of humor in the last chapter...hopefully this is better...  
  
Alexandria Castle  
  
(Two Knights of Uranus are patrolling the staircase. Enter Hsu and Isaac. They make obscene jesters to the knights, making them chase the troublemakers. After they enter the guardroom they look around)  
  
Knight of Uranus I: hey! where did those troublemakers go?  
  
Knight of Uranus II: hmmmmmmm   
  
(lights go out)  
  
ahhhhh!  
  
JUMP 'EM!!!  
  
nooooooooo  
  
OH MY GASH! I BROKE A NAIL!!!  
  
Hsu... that was plain GAY!  
  
ahhhhh! where are my pants!!!!  
  
I feel naked!  
  
if u wanted to see us strip, you could have asked  
  
ewwwww...  
  
(lights turn on. We see Hsu and Isaac in the Knights of Uranus outfits while the real knights are lying on the floor, in boxers)  
  
Knights:...  
  
Hsu: (looks at the knights) I cant believe this crap fits...  
  
(Isaac tried to put on his helmet, but thanks to his stubborn gravity defying hair, he cant)  
  
Isaac: ... my clothes smell like...rotten cabbage...  
  
Hsu: ha ha... shall we?  
  
(an audible groan is heard)  
  
Isaac: scene three is almost over, judging by the groaning of the audience... Briggs and Akafubu are-  
  
Hsu: STOP TELLING ME ABOUT THE PLAY! I KNOW HOW IT GOES!!! THE AUDIBLE GROAN IS INDEED THE END OF THE THIRD SCENE!!!  
  
Isaac: By the way, do you still have the 'package' Hsu: WHO'S CALLING WHO GAY NOW?!?  
  
Isaac: ...dumbass... DO YOU HAVE THE SURPRISE?!?  
  
Hsu: oooooooooh... yeah... I thought you were asking about my-  
  
Isaac: don't flatter yourself. Lets go  
  
(They walk out into the hall and Hsu is playing lookout. Isaac ascends the stairs. As he reaches the top, a cloaked figure runs out of the main chamber and bumps into Isaac)  
  
Isaac: heeeeeeeey baby! Are you in a hurry or are you just happy to see me?  
  
Cloaked figure(CF):*Sweat drops* uh... I apologize. Forgive me for my intrusion. May I take my leave upon you sir?  
  
Isaac: now...hold on a second... (checks her out) daaaaaaaamn... you are one FIIIIIIINE lookin' female  
  
CF(as though he is speaking a different language) MAY-I-PASS?  
  
Isaac: hold on a second, you look familiar... have we met  
  
CF: uh...no...  
  
Isaac: hey, I know my traveling companions when I see them...Mia  
  
Mia: (runs up to Isaac and cries) Ohhhhhhh ISAAC, I MISSED YOU SO! NOT A PASSING MOMENT PASSES WITHOUT MY THINKING OF YOU!!! (sobs)  
  
disembodied voice (DV) (in a heavenly divine voice) : um Mia darling, save the dramatics for the final act.  
  
Isaac, Mia, and Hsu, who is eating popcorn: WHO SAID THAT?  
  
DV: me of course!  
  
Isaac: WHAT are you?  
  
DV: I am as my title implies, a disembodied voice!  
  
Mia: but, great sir, what can we call you?  
  
DV: to you, I am GOD!!!  
  
Hsu: god???  
  
God: yes. In this world, I am god.  
  
Isaac: Prove it!  
  
God: don't mind if I do  
  
(lights quickly go off and on, we hear a heavenly choir singing. Isaac is standing in the middle of Babi's Palace wearing a French Maid outfit)  
  
Mia: Ohhhhhhh Isaac! you look sexy in a French maid outfit! (whistles)  
  
Isaac: (turns a violent shade of crimson. He wouldn't want to be caught dead in a skimpy French outfit. Not after something having to do with Master Hama revealing her ideal sexual fantasy of himself and Felix in French Maid outfits. How did he know?)  
  
Iodem: Isaac, since you couldn't save Sheba, you must (does the "Dr. Evil's-pinky-to-the-mouth" pose) CLEAN THE ENTIRE PALACE with Babi's toothbrush! (holds up Babi's toothbrush, it was obvious that he never heard of the changing of your toothbrush after it falls into the toilet cause it looks more that 180 years old)  
  
Isaac: OK I'M A BELIEVER!  
  
(everything returns to normal)  
  
God: Ha Ha...now, Mia, would you like all your BEAUTIFUL hair to fall off?  
  
Mia: I know what to do (Runs away and knocks Hsu to the ground)  
  
God: perfect! Isaac, you no what to do!  
  
Isaac: you're evil...EVIL!!!  
  
God: I know EVERYTHING! And I'm sure that Mia doesn't know nothing about Master Hama's Fantasy....right?   
  
Isaac: right  
  
God: Goooooood... now peace be with you and other mumbo-jumbo...   
  
(God disappears)  
  
Hsu: who was that?  
  
Isaac: It was Princes Mia! C'mon! we got to get her!  
  
(Run After Mia)  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
(in a corridor in the castle the clowns Zorn and Thorn enter)  
  
Zorn: We are very lucky that we retained our role!  
  
Thorn: lucky we are!   
  
Zorn: *ahem* The Princess is missing!  
  
Thorn: Missing the Princess is!  
  
Zorn: to the King's Chamber!  
  
Scene: Kings Chamber  
  
Thorn: See the King we must  
  
Garet: great. the terrible twins...  
  
Zorn: we must see the king!  
  
Thorn: Danger most grievous, she is in!  
  
(Jenna walks up to the twins and Garet)  
  
Jenna: (In a very Seductive voice) Is there a problem?  
  
Zorn: WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?  
  
Jenna: ok ok ok! this way!  
  
Garet: curse that Jenna, always trying to one-up me! and she's hot too...(Howls like a wolf)  
  
Jenna: (to herself) Muhahahah... my plan is working! (to the clowns) what is your problem  
  
Zorn:(whispers)  
  
Thorn:(whispers the same thing but rephrased)  
  
Jenna: wow... I must tell the King!  
  
(Zorn and Thorn Leave, Jenna approaches the king)  
  
King: !!!  
  
(Camera Pans down to the stage)  
  
Feh: Ha ha ha...Now I have thee Akafubu, valiant servant of the peasant Briggs  
  
Akafubu: You know why I'm here... GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR CURLERS!  
  
Feh: but... they make my hair pretty!!!  
  
Akafubu: then I WILL KILL YOU!!! (charges)  
  
~ENTER BATTLE~  
  
MASTER FEH APPEARS!  
  
MASTER FEH TO ATTACK FIRST!  
  
MASTER FEH CASTS DOUSE!  
  
AKAFUBU TAKES 70 DAMAGE!  
  
AKAFUBU'S HAIR IS RUINED!  
  
AKAFUBU IS NOW POWERLESS! AKAFUBU USES THE KILLING CURSE!  
  
AVADA KEDAVRA!  
  
AKAFUBU LACKS THE MOJO POINTS TO CAST THIS SPELL!!!  
  
MASTER FEH CASTS TEMPEST!  
  
AKAFUBU TAKES 300 DAMAGE  
  
AKAFUBU CANT MOVE!  
  
MASTER FEH CASTS ASTRAL BLAST!  
  
AKAFUBU TAKES 430 DAMAGE!  
  
AKAFUBU GOES DOWN!  
  
~EXIT BATTLE THEME~  
  
Feh: ha ha ha... your powerless! now, you'll never see your hair curlers again! MUHAHAHAH!!!  
  
Akafubu: no... I WILL SURVIVE! (starts singing the song)  
  
(runs off stage)  
  
Feh: MY HAIR CURLERS!!!  
  
Mayor of Alhafra(MoA): HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! THAT WAS FUNNY!!!   
  
Jenna: your majesty! (dodges some fragments of fried chicken) I have urgent news!  
  
MoA: augh...what is it?  
  
Jenna: your majesty, the Princess has run off with your jewe1!  
  
MoA: nooooooooo! Go! track her down! GARET!  
  
Garet: Yes your majesty?  
  
MoA: GO FIND THE PRINCESS!!!  
  
Garet: ok...(runs to the hall way)  
  
Garet: KNIGHTS OF URANUS. ASSEMBLE!!!  
  
(the two naked knights enter)  
  
Garet: HOLY $H!T!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!  
  
KoU1: we were ambushed!  
  
Garet: (expecting something else having to do when two guys get 'friendly') ...GET DRESSED AND GO FIND THE PRINCESS!!! KoU2: ok! (Run away)  
  
Garet: why cant I have hot ladies under my command...(runs into the Kitchen)  
  
(Menardi is sitting on a thrown holding a golden spatula and performing a much practiced scowl and commanding the house elves from Harry Potter to make food)  
  
Garet: Menardi?!  
  
House elf:(hisses) DON'T YOU DARE SAY HER NAME!  
  
House elf2: (hisses) CALL HER BY HER PROPER TITLE!  
  
Garet: and what would that be?  
  
House elves: Chef Menardee (taken from Chef Boyardee. get it?)  
  
Garet:(laughs hysterically)  
  
Menardi: who DARES laugh at my name?  
  
House elves: it is the red harried one! (points to Garet)  
  
Menardi: well Capitan Garet, you are going to...suffer...  
  
Garet: suffer?  
  
Menardi: why yes... behold! THE LOOK OF (in a monstrous bellow) BLACK DEATH  
  
Garet: huh?  
  
(Menardi scowls a terrible scowl. so terrible her eyes ignite with evil. She looks into Garet's eyes and everything (to Garet) goes black except himself and Menardi, who brandished her scythe, is gliding towards him)   
  
Garet: (hears terrible noises like people suffering) I fell...sick...(collapses)  
  
Menardi: oh ho! now your dead!  
  
God: MENARDI!   
  
Menardi: ??? whose there?  
  
God: me.  
  
Menardi: huh?  
  
God: I noticed that you are slightly out of character...  
  
Menardi: what's it to you?  
  
God: EVERYTHING!, CORRECTION BEAM!  
  
(a blue beam hits Menardi)  
  
Menardi: Me feel stupid.  
  
God: goooooooood...Muhahahah... now Garet, continue  
  
Garet: ok-  
  
(Menardi is eating everything)  
  
Menardi: ME HUNGRY!!!  
  
Garet: riiiiiiight...  
  
House elves: nooooooooo!!! NOT AGAIN!  
  
Menardi: ok, you leave now, Ta Ta~  
  
Garet: yes, PRINCESS!!! (runs out)  
  
(Garet is running out of the Castle and hears a terrible booing sound)  
  
Garet: wow they suck...  
  
(Garet runs where a Uranus Knight is flirting with a Guard)  
  
Uranus knight 3: Soooooooo baby, wanna go out on a lovely cruise to Lindblum?  
  
Guard: Dude, I AM A MAN!  
  
Uk3: so?  
  
Garet: IMBECILE! GO FIND THE PRINCESS!!! FLIRT WITH THIS TRANSVESTITE LATER!!!  
  
Uk3: right. ta ta~ (blows kisses at the guard)  
  
Guard: heeeeeeeey there Capitan   
  
Garet: I-MUST-FIND-THE-PRINCESS!!!  
  
(Garet runs into the tower and climbs the "Stairs of Eternity")  
  
Garet: how long has it been, must resist urge! (notices Uranus Knight 4) HEY THERE!  
  
Uk4: HEY! Long time no see!   
  
Garet: KYLE? Isaac has been looking for you for 3 years!  
  
Kyle: I'm sorry, Felix's dad said that if I could climb to the top and bellow (THE KING IS FAT) he'll give 10 coins.  
  
Garet: nevertheless, PRINCESS!!! (runs to the top)  
  
Garet: Ohhhhhhh I got to pee...(sees Isaac chasing Mia) WHAT?!? HOW DARE THAT BRIGAND CHASE THE PRINCESS?!?  
  
~ENTER FMV!~ (Isaac is chasing Mia around the turret, Mia climbs up on a wall and lets Isaac catch up, She smiles to Isaac then leaps down holding a bungee cord. Isaac Gasps and Garet leaps on the parapet causing sparks to fly ::not in that way:: Isaac grabs a bungee chord and jumps down after her we then see Garet Gliding threw the air with a determined look on his face but then veers off corse and slams into the ship. ouch) ~EXIT FMV~ __________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Corona: WAAAAAA ME WANT EDDY!  
  
sorry!!! he doesn't make another appearance until Burmecia...   
  
Breeze: aw man!   
  
Flash: things are heating up!  
  
Yes... stay tuned to next chapter... until then R/R 


	6. Why Titanium Cups are is a Good Investme...

Chapter 6: Why the Person who invented the Titanium Cup is a genius  
  
Sorry for the lack of updates... I had to move and school...augh...  
  
Corona: heeeeeey, I thought u were gonna leave us to die or something!  
  
Breeze: Yeah! and when do we get to make our appearance???  
  
Sometime soon... just have PAITENCE!!!  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
-Inside The Tolbi-Bound ship  
  
Feizi: la-la-la~ I'm very happy! nothings going to dampen my spirits today!   
  
(Mia runs in and tramples over Feizi)  
  
Feizi: Aiiiiiiiie! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!? (checks herself out for injuries) WHAAAAAAAAAAT??? M-M-MY MAKEUP IS RUINED!!! WAHHHHHH!!! (cries like a baby)  
  
(Enter Isaac)  
  
Isaac: huh? oh hey Feizi...er... you don't look so good... (glances at Mia the looks at Feizi) ohm I see... Did that mean old Mia ruin your makeup?  
  
Feizi: sob... yes...  
  
Isaac: (like a Mother who caught her kid sneaking a cookie out of a cookie jar) That wasn't very nice... bad Mia...very bad Mia  
  
Mia: (blush, then looks at a now fuming Feizi) run away! (does so)  
  
Feizi: wait till I get my hands on her... ill make the Chinese Water Torture look like child's play! (towards Mia)  
  
Isaac: NO! for the sake of the plot, I must stop you, even if I have to raise the Gaia Blade on you!  
  
Feizi: (In a Sauron-like voice) I've seen how you fight. You cannot hope to win...  
  
Isaac: I've too saw how you fight and just in case you ever decieted to attack me I came prepared...  
  
Mia: Unless its an Anti-Feizi force shield I don't want to know what it is...  
  
Feizi: (Sharpening her boots) what can you POSSIBLY do to defend against the all-mighty power of my Ballcrusher boots???  
  
Isaac: I'll let you be the judge of that!  
  
~ENTER BATTLE SCEEN~  
  
FEIZI APPEARS!  
  
FEIZI TO ATTACK FIRST!  
  
FEIZI'S BALLCRUSHER LET OUT A HOWL!  
  
SWIFTKICKINTHECROTCH!  
  
(Feizi does her "sinister move" but when she kicks Isaac she howls in pain)  
  
DUE TO ISAAC'S PROTECTON, FEIZI TAKES 300 DAMAGE!  
  
Isaac: HA HA! No Ballcrushers has a chance against my Titanium Cup with Anti-Feizi Protection!!!  
  
ISAAC USES MIRRIOR MOVE!  
  
SWIFTKICKINTHECROTCH!  
  
(Isaac repeats Feizi's move and surprisingly, Feizi screams in agony)  
  
Feizi: OH MY BALLS!!! (withdraws into a fetal position)  
  
FEIZI TAKES 99999 DAMAGE  
  
YOU FELLED FEIZI!  
  
YOU RECEIVED 1000 EXP POINTS  
  
YOU RECEIVED BALLCRUSHER  
  
YOU ALSO RECEIVE 11000 GIL!  
  
~EXIT BATTLE THEME~  
  
Mia: Something went TERRIBLY wrong in that fight...  
  
Isaac: I agree... huh?  
  
(A Fetal position Feizi morphs into Master McCoy)  
  
Mia: O-o  
  
Isaac o-O  
  
McCoy: ohhhh you're evil... EEEEEEVIL! (stands up)  
  
Isaac: what the hell?  
  
Mia: What the hell are you doing impersonating Feizi?  
  
McCoy: Eh... er... well...(In a Fat Bastard voice) heeeeeey baby...  
  
Isaac: (looks at Mia) what of it?  
  
McCoy: Ya know, once ya got fat, your never coming back!  
  
Mia: :groan:  
  
McCoy: GET IN MA BELLY!!!  
  
God: :Groan:  
  
Isaac: now you've done it... here comes some-  
  
God: - good ol' Divine Intervention...God help me... (in the Divine voice) McCoy! you are violating the plot! I order you to... :snicker: clean Babi's palace with... his toothbrush...  
  
McCoy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (vanishes)  
  
God: Isaac your off the hook now GO!  
  
Isaac: I'm on it... sir?  
  
Mia: uh... wow sir, your very persistent, am I really THAT hot?  
  
Isaac: uh yes...   
  
Mia: wow... nice airship, last time I rode in one was when I was a KID. NAPS are so fun!  
  
Isaac: Are you implying something?  
  
Mia: no shit Sherlock  
  
Garet: (Knocks on door) PRINCESS? PRINCESS! I HEAR YOU!!!  
  
Mia: damn... we got to go somewhere... hey lets go under the trap door... (opens cupboard and out comes some pictures) AHHH PORN!!!  
  
Isaac: (as if he just realized something) ohhhh so THATS where Briggs hid my stash...er... this way Milady! (Exits)  
  
Mia: (Looking through the pictures) wow... HEEEEY there's ME!!! wow... I never knew that I had such a NICE ASS!!! Tee he he he... (follows)  
  
Akafubu: (putting his hair curlers in his hair) grrr... damn that Feh... HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO ME!!!  
  
Isaac: (To Mia) That's Akafubu, feel free to scream...  
  
Mia: don't mind if I do... AHHHHHHH!!!   
  
Akafubu: sob  
  
(outside room)  
  
Garet: *sniff sniff* P-P-PRINCESS!!! I SMELL YOU!!!  
  
Hsu: I have no idea who to feel sorry for, them or me...  
  
Garet: IM GUNNA BREAK THROUGH!!!  
  
Isaac: JUMP!  
  
(Mia and Akafubu do just that)  
  
Garet: THIS DOOR WONT OPEN!!!  
  
Hsu: YOUR A MARS ADEPT! YOU CAN BURN DOORS OPEN!!!   
  
Garet: heeeeeey, I never thought of that! (casts Inferno) HEY A HOLE!!!  
  
Hsu: uh... CANNONBALL!!! (jumps into the hole but gets stuck)  
  
Hsu: THATS IT! IM GOING ON WEIGHTWATCHERS!!!  
  
Garet: damn... PRINCESS!!! I'M COMMING FOR YOU!!! (exit)  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
Corona: wow... took you long enough...  
  
HEY I HAVE A LIFE YA KNOW!  
  
Breeze: I thought I was gonna starve to death but then I realized that I am only a muse!  
  
Corona: ha ha  
  
Breeze: you too  
  
Ok... ill write more, R/R 


End file.
